I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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