hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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