and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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