I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
