If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
