i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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