Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
