He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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