i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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