I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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