She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
