Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
