Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
