he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
