Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
