The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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