I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The best revenge is premature balding
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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