You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
