so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
