My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
