make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
