i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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