Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
