My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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