We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
