You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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