I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize