Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I have so many feelings about this burrito
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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