Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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