Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
