she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
