Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
