margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
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we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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