I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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