i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize