Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Even my vagina gasped.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
