Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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