The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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