i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
