Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
