I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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