I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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