And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
