I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
