batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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