She said her name was "party"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
