Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
