My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
