my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
