I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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