I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
