Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
