Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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