she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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