I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
