dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
