went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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