I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I touched a dick in church today
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize