I wish I could teleport
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
